Hello all Okay so a word of warning, this is one of my wordy posts and is aimed at those interested in eating disorder recovery. I don’t do posts like this very often these days so just so you know
So recently my story of my anorexia and recovery was in papers across the world. I didn’t really say anything about it because well, whilst I am incredibly proud of the journey I have made and more so that I finally did it on my own in the end and what I have turned my passions into, I hate what anorexia did to my life. A lot of people have asked me, ‘do you regret going through all that?’ because a lot of people will say ‘no’ for all kinds of reasons, although it was the worst experience of my life. Yes, my recovery made me a stronger person, more confident, more self-aware, I developed a relationship with my family that I value more than ever. But in the end, it did ruin my life and I regret it for every day that I continue to live.
If I hadn’t have had anorexia my life would be very different now and I worry that I would have been happier. My illness hindered my achievements at school. Whilst I achieved amazing GCSEs, the killer was at A-levels and at this time was when I was at my worst. I scraped together one A-level and 5 AS levels whilst I was in hospital. But it did inevitably have an affect on my career choice. I was set out to do Law. I had an offer from Oxford University. That was supposed to be my way forward but obviously with my lack of grades, that had to change. My headteacher searched around for courses that I could get onto and my one A-level turned out to be in Art as it was something I could manage to do on my own in hospital quite easily compared to the other subjects. Therefore she suggested that some sort of design course would be my best way forward if I wanted to go to university that year, which I did. Because I saw that as a way forward and a change might encourage me to ‘grow up’ and start to look after myself. Which in actual fact, it did over time. But it wasn’t the course I was set out for. It was my only backup really. Which is why now, I am studying something which I do not enjoy. In fact, I hate it more than I thought I would and at times makes me depressed.
Another major reason why I hate what anorexia did to my life is that even to this day, I hate my body. I know women struggle with body issues anyway, but after having an illness that brought me to a skeleton, being normal will never seem ‘normal’ to me. I remember quite clearly what it felt like to be thin. And whilst I wasn’t happy…I admit that I felt comfortable being thin at times. However, I am now healthy enough to exercise and as you all know I do weightlifting and my body is slowly changing into something that I can become more comfortable with. But in my opinion, my history of anorexia is hindering my progress here too as I have had to recover my metabolism and I probably started off in a worse position than I would have done if I had not had an eating disorder in terms of how much muscle I had and how much fat I had as I do believe that after recovery, some people are left with more fat than they started out with, simply because of your body’s natural reaction to want to stay safe.
But. What I do know is that if I had left my anorexia to continue, my life would be even more destroyed than it has been so I am grateful that despite being ill throughout my whole teens, that I did recover and get healthy for my adult life because it is not the end of the world and I have moved on. The world is my oyster still. Yes I might be stuck doing something that isn’t ideal, but I have my whole healthy life ahead of me to change things around and get happier. My history of anorexia also fuels my fitness passion because all those people who didn’t believe that I could ever get healthy and predicted I would be dead in my 20s, well I am now healthier than them so it’s like my two fingers up to them
I’ve had a few emails from girls who say I inspire them and whilst recovery is scary, I know, that first step of reaching out to someone, anyone, is a big step. So if you are currently suffering with an eating disorder and aren’t sure how to get out of it, please make that step if something inside of you is wanting to change things. Whether it’s to me or anyone else you know who you feel you can start to talk to, because the longer you are ill, the more of your life it takes away and it is possible to turn things around, I promise
And if you made it to the end of all my babble, well done haha. And a little reward is the easiest recipe on the planet for some protein balls.
Almond Butter Protein Balls
(Gluten Free, Low carb)
2 scoops vanilla whey (60g)
1/2 cup almond butter (105g)
Simply mix the ingredients together in the food processor, roll into 7 equal sized balls and freeze for 30 minutes. If you leave them overnight or longer, they will freeze up completely so leave them to thaw a little before eating
Stats per ball (varies depending on your protein powder)
121kcal, 11 protein, 8 fat, 1 carb
Use different flavoured protein powders, use a different nut butter, use more nut butter and roll in cacao/coconut/chopped nuts for a more truffle type ball.