So I thought I’d quickly drop by and say hello as I’ve been absent from blogging this week due to starting at uni. I had massive anxieties about going back as I did mention before, my anxieties even manifesting themselves into nightmares. And very very vivid disturbing ones too. I never even normally remember any sort of dream! Fortunately they’ve gone now that I’ve completed my first week of uni woohoo! I get Friday’s off which makes for a long weekend after what feels like a long week so that’s really great. Today my free day is not going to be spent in bed as I would normally choose as my brother is up here for an interview so I’m taking him places as well as giving him a feel for Newcastle (including nightlife of course!) in case he ends up living up here too.
This week has actually been manageable. I’ve been tired of course. A change of routine can throw anyone off and I have never been good with change but I know that I will adapt in time. I think the thing that’s got me through it is that I do genuinely feel more confident in myself and just…in a happier place mentally I guess? People have been commenting, staff and other students on how I look suddenly look ‘gorgeous’ and how ‘healthy’ and ‘glowing’ I look. There would have been a time when any sort of comment from people about how I looked instantly meant I looked ‘bigger’ but these have actually really touched me and given me a bit of confidence. It has been over a year since these people have seen me and they didn’t really recognise me as anything other than a small quiet girl before. A lot of my anxieties were around this too. I am bigger than a year ago. What would they all think? I went to London and binged and got bigger and I came back and yes, I did tone up and get healthier again but I’m still bigger. Now suddenly everyone is talking to me and seems to want to be friendly with me. I already have people who I wasn’t really friends with before asking me to go out with them this weekend! One of my favorite staff members who makes it possible for me to survive an entire day of sewing (mainly because she sympathises at my poor sewing skills so kinda helps me out..a lot ) wouldn’t shut up about how ‘amazing’ I looked yesterday with my ‘gorgeous waist’(?!) and she was saying ‘do you feel better in yourself?’ like she kinda knew something was wrong before. I blushed at her compliments but deep down I smiled to myself and did feel good. Long days like yesterday I would normally have been very stressed almost to tears through lack of exercise (the long hours gives me little time to head to the gym) and surrounded by people all day. Yesterday I wasn’t. Yesterday I didn’t exercise, had lunch with my friends like a normal person and stayed pretty chilled and positive all day, despite how much I hated what I was doing. I smiled, I chatted and I was just being me without anorexia. Whilst the massive difference does sometimes freak me out and make me realise why I am bigger now, it also makes me happy that I am where I am. Life is just..easier to cope with.
I’ve even had a girl who has developed anorexia during the placement year we had out, who I did speak to in London when I voiced my concern, ask to meet me for coffee for a chat back down in London about how to help her because she said that she thinks I’m an inspiration of how healthy looks good which was really sweet….
All in all, whilst I do still have bad times, life is pretty amazing and I am proud of where I am right now. I just need to remind myself of that when I am spending my time criticising how I look, comparing and being negative. I am me now.
I’ll be back soon with a new little recipe for you all – I know, don’t all get too excited at once!