Happy Tuesday loves!
So I’m back with some more things that I’ve been thinking about. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, maybe comes with getting older with more life to reflect on?! *Here she goes* I hear you all thinking…
Getting back to Newcastle after I had finished my placement mid 2012, I was determined to get back into my old ways in terms of routine with exercise, the kind of foods I liked and eating regularly with no restricting/binging. A couple of months after I got into my routine, I changed my goals to focus more on strength and HIIT style workouts to cut some body fat. And that I have done.
I’m pretty pleased with my progress..my stomach seems to be the area that I can tone up without trying too hard except for my planking (up to 6 min 45 secs today!) so that’s kinda cool. But maybe it’s the ED past part of my brain saying that it’s still not good enough. I go through days where I look at myself and I’m like ‘yeah I am looking pretty good today’ but then there are other days where I just see past the good parts of me that make me feel confident, my thunder thighs, big bum and bigger arms that I’ve never had before in my life. I feel myself going into an almost depressed mood on those days and these negative things will be on my mind the whole day. Especially because now I’m in the mindframe where cutting back on my diet is not an option like it used to be. I could try and force myself but it would end up in a binge which would just make things a million times worse. It’s a viscous circle in my mind and for the sake of what? Simply my appearance and a stupid number on the bloody scale that I want to lower but just won’t budge. Kinda stupid right…I don’t know what makes it matter so much in my mind, I know I’m not overweight, I know I’m pretty fit and healthy and I know that I eat a good balanced diet and am quite a positive person about life in general with amazing friends and family.
I think that my ED history will always be a part of me, but the difference is now I can ignore it and get on with my life in a healthier way. It will always want me to weigh less because of course that means I’m a ‘better’ person right? Um no. I was never happier when the number was less. I never felt like I was ‘good enough’, so that isn’t the answer. I’m still learning to just be who I am supposed to be. Of course I can improve on that but it has to be in a healthy way. I can improve my fitness goals, get more hobbies, improve on my raw food making, improve my photography with my camera and loads of other things. They will make me happier. Not trying to be someone I am not and can’t function at.
Maybe it’s the impending uni starting back next week making me over-think everything and my anxiety levels have just gone up? I do find university life not all that fun though purely because of my course. It’s not what I enjoy, I’m with people who of course, being in fashion, are all girls, incredibly beautiful and very competitive, talented and quite bitchy (the stereotype is true, they just are) and my lack of passion makes my work crappy and even when I do try, my work is not recognised. I spend most of my time wondering if I would be happier if I’d been doing nutrition/business because my heart is always in that place. I find my health and fitness and experimenting in the kitchen more of interest than what I am studying and I would much rather be devoting my life to that to be quite honest.
ANYWAY. Enough of a rant. Because today is a good day!
After getting back from my gym session today I came back to my first Nutribox! My mum got me a subscription to this new scheme (from my hometown of Sheffield woop!) which means I will be getting a box of goodies every month. It’s amazing how much a simple parcel can cheer you up eh? There is so much stuff in there, it was never ending! Can’t wait to try everything! Thanks mum!
What has made your day a good day?