May 17, 2012
Uncategorized
16 Comments

A Little more Honesty

Hey lovies,

Been a while again huh? Well things have been..difficult for me recently. I’m here to do another honest post for you guys. After the feedback that I’ve got back from other ones I have done, not only do people appreciate my honesty and obviously provide an interesting insight into my world which is far from perfect, but I feel great for providing you guys with some comfort that you are not the only ones suffering with these struggles, if you can relate.

Body image issues are definitely very much on my mind pretty much every morning right from when I wake up. Most days I wonder how I got myself to this place. How did I let myself go so quickly? I get up and immediately see myself in the double wardrobe mirrors next to my bed. I look in disgust and tears fill my eyes. A part of me gets frustrated that I can’t turn back and snap my fingers back to when I was underweight. I was tiny..and could pretty much eat whatever I wanted. Which now I can’t do…which the binging part of my ED hates. I’m currently stuck in this restrict binge cycle which is definitely not a healthy one in the slightest. Not eating enough some days in frustration at my body size now and then eating until I physically can’t move on following days when my body is basically screaming at me for going back to restriction, and inevitably gaining weight. This is causing severe depression for me at the moment.

It’s actually in some ways more difficult now than when I was anorexic (I’d say my eating disorder is still there but not in the form of anorexia, probably more in the disordered eating category), because I am not physically underweight. No one assumes anything about my past and see me just as another normal girl. I have told a couple of my new closest friends that I have met here as they questioned my veganism with interest and it has definitely surprised them because of my current physical appearance and my relaxed relationship with food (I have no fear in hiding my past to people I can trust as it makes me who I am today). But in this sense, people don’t expect or see the struggles I still go through. The struggles are not visable for people to see anymore like when I was underweight and so it feels like I have to suffer alone because it’s not expected of me to suddenly come out with eating issues when it appears that I’m fine. Instead they just spin round my head all day everyday. Inside my head I wish more than anything that I could cut my body open and just change it. I may have attempted to slash my thighs too in disgust. Yes it hurt. And did it change anything? No. I don’t recommend it. But I guess as people can’t visably see my struggles anymore, this seemed like a way for at least me to see them rather than just feel them.

Top all of this off with a girl who is from my uni currently interning with me (not a friend) becoming anorexic right before my eyes…yeah, not good. A part of me is incredibly jealous. How can she be turning anorexic when I am basically becoming ‘unanorexic’ and turning overweight. Why can I not be losing weight so rapidly like that? It’s funny because it’s only me who can see the signs too. Everyone just assumes that she’s lost a bit of weight but I can see far beyond that. All the signs are there for me to see. For me to become jealous of. A part of me is sorry for her, yes. Because this illness does ruin lives. It is obviously still ruining mine. But unfortunately even before her ED, her personality is not a friendly one – lets say we’ve had a few conflicts in the past – and so that gets in the way of my sympathy towards her. She is downright rude to me for no apparent reason other than the fact that she can’t accept that I am right more often than her because I happen to be smarter and she currently can’t stand the fact that I have more authority than her. And not only is she rude to me, but also to her own boss, who dislikes her bitterly. She is stubborn and selfish. And that is not the illness..she was like this before. So, whilst I would love to help her, I feel nothing for her…except jealousy.

Then after a weekend of binging which followed a few days of restriction, I had one day where a guy approached me trying to be all ‘touchy feely’ with me right in the street. Not what I need when I feel like absolute shit from binging. To be followed by being robbed on the tube the next day. Yeah, totally what I need to top off my crappy feeling!

Today has fortunately been a really great day at work though which I will share with you tomorrow which has definitely cheered me up from the past few days. I don’t quite know what the answer is to my struggles. But what I do know is that I won’t give up on trying to get on with life and achieving some sort of ‘normality’ and I strive to reach a balance with my body whatever that may be. I won’t allow for me to continue living like this forever because you know what? It is torture. Whilst no woman is 100% happy with her body, you can reach a point where it’s acceptable and you can live your life not focusing on it everyday. In the meantime, I do try my best to focus on what I consider more important things now in my life rather than my illness; family, friends, socialising and I make sure to laugh at least once a day as I know that these things help because it means I am surrounding myself with positivity rather than drowning in my depression.

And on that note, I shall say goodnight for now :)

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16 comments

  1. Wow, sounds like a rocky weekend and start of the week. I am glad that today turned out a bit better for you. I struggle with the secrecy of everything, because even my parents hid everything (therapy sessions ect) from my siblings when things were at their worst. Sometimes I just want to scream about all the struggles that I have been through because sometimes I feel like none of it ever happened when it was all such a big part of my life. In short: I think it is great that you share your past with close friends :)

    Loves this post, thanks for sharing! :)

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  2. Wow thank you do much for being so honest! This post is everything that I am feeling now and trying to fight against. My story is a little different. I was neve underweight like you. In fact I was overweight by a lot but it was when I lost the weight that I no longer felt good enough and everything about my body image changed and I suddenly hated everything about myself. The secrety part is the worst because no one expects me to have disordered eating habbits and feel horrible about myself because i am at a high end of a healthy weight. So I hide it and deal with it myself and it is a contestant struggle. I even got into a car accident because I was so consumed with myself and was not paying attention. It’s a hard road and its comforting in a way to hear that Someone else is going through the same thing. But please do not try and harm yourself again. Nothing good will come of it. Stay strong and I truly believe that one day you will past this if you just keeps fighting. Stay strong!

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  3. Aja said:

    It really is great when you’re so honest. I’ve found the blogging community to be a huge help for me. I completely understand your feelings though. When I got back up to a healthy weight I was so frustrated because I was just getting used to and enjoying being able eat whatever the heck I wanted. It’s still hard sometimes but most times I’m okay. And it’s so annoying when you see people losing weight, especially through an eating disorder, while you can’t. Just know that one day they will have to go through what you’re going through or they’ll be dead (sad, but that’s reality). Just try not to focus on it as best as you can. It’s hard, but try. Keep fighting!

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  4. Thank you so much for being so open and honest with us–and I hope it’s helping you to put everything out there.

    In some ways, it IS harder to be living in that gray area between anorexia and health simply BECAUSE you aren’t visibly ill anymore. Despite the frustrations of being judged about the disorder, it becomes almost comforting, and when that disappears, it’s completely normal to miss it. Never feel guilty about this, but do remember the ways things have changed for the better. <3

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  5. Oh darling I love that you are so honest but it makes me so sad to see what you’re going through. And I know how you are feeling, because I am feeling like this everyday. I cannot wear the clothes that I want, I cannot give my body the care that it needs because I cannot bare to even look in the mirror, to put a hand on my thigh or my stomach without feeling like I am about to burst into tears. I am so confused about my body right now and I don’t know how to get myself out of this mess. Have you thought about going back to the doctors and being referred to a therapist to try and sort things out? I have never had much luck with therapy/ CBT but I know it works for a lot of people. I’m glad you are still looking for the positives and smiling :) xxxx

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  6. Hey

    Sounds like you’ve been trying to deal with a lot on your own. In my experience bingeing made it harder for me to feel that it was ok to reach out thanks to the (totally unwarranted) shame I had with it. That, I have to say, almost killed me. The pressure cooker of hate inside me exploded in the end and I got more and more self destructive. I’m so glad you have at least shared this. There are people, many of us here, and especially anyone who has had an ED who knows that you can’t tell by weight or size how much a person is struggling. Just because you’re at a healthy weight doesn’t mean I don’t expect that you would struggle.

    I fear that if you don’t keep sharing what’s going on for you that you will end up relapsing with the anorexia or be led into a self destructive cycle with the restrict-binge cycle which for me was almost lethal in the level of self hate and despair in generated. Please keep sharing with people who know about what this is like. Don’t be alone with it.

    I know you know this already but the bingeing will subside if you quit restricting. It’s hard to be willing to quit restricting I know, but it truly is playing with fire. This illness nearly killed you and it could do that again. We need to take it seriously. It’s hard to be bigger, to get used to a body that can feel cumbersome given its previous emaciated state. It’s weird to have More flesh at first and we have made so many associations and attached so much meaning to our body size and shape that I know for me seeing my body get bigger triggers off this shrieking alarm system in me before I’ve even had time to think a thought.

    I’m finding it helpful to read and surround myself with messages of body acceptance. You won’t find me doing affirmations in the mirror lol but reading about what people are doing actively at the moment to challenge the very narrow and arbitrary beauty ideal helps. Not because that’s what an ED is about but because I now need to find a way to live in this world in the body genetics has given me. To feel like im good enough even if my body is naturally bigger than average when I nourish it appropriately.

    You’re not alone. Please don’t be alone with these feelings and fears.

    Here anytime you want to chat x

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  7. alex said:

    I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been struggling with binge eating for a while. No matter how hard I try I end up binging every night and I’m sick of it, it makes me feel horrible and disgusted. I just want it to be over and be normal and feel normal around food instead of wanting to eat everything in sight. Many times I feel like I just wanna give up but no matter how many times I try and fail ill never give up, every day is a new day. Don’t give up, don’t beat yourself up beacuase you’re not the only one struggling with this. You’re beautiful! Every day is a new day and you can start over, keep trying! :)

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  8. Fiona said:

    Thank you for your honesty – I totally am in the same sort of place as you are with body image so my heart goes out to you. Still not coping with my much bigger body after weight gain, it feels like I live in someone else’s and I so want to unzip it and get out, every single moment of every single day. I also relate to the jealousy – I hate myself for being jealous of someone who is obviously sick and going to go through hell, but at the same time I long to go back to that seductive feeling of the losing weight and the ‘everything is going to be okay because I’m doing something about the problem’ fantasy feeling. :(
    I admire you because despite struggling with your eating still, something in you keeps on making sure you won’t go back there. Deep down, you know you can’t. You know it would kill you. And you have so much to live for. You have come so far – and that’s amazing. It’s YOUR hard work that has gotten you here – and the fact that you have grown up in a lot of ways inside – you know that you cannot just ditch the responsibility of your whole life any more. Someone likened anorexia to having a long tantrum – I don’t like this life so I’m not going to keep the weight on or have a part of it. And tantrums are a childish way to deal with it! That helped me a bit – to see it that way. You have matured beyond chucking a tantrum when life is too hard! Please don’t feel guilty because it’s about something that felt like a better thing to you, you don’t wish the reality of it on her at all.
    Keep on fighting – you might not feel like you have made much progress and the bingeing and restricting cycle is very disheartening and distressing – but you have come a long way and even when you don’t feel like it you ARE making progress in ways that you probably can’t see yet – in your mind and your heart – you are growing. Remember much of our progress is like a seed inside us, it does a lot of growing before the little first leaves emerge from the soil!!
    Hang in there xxx

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  9. Nicky,you are so strong for being honest with yourselves AND your readers. Really,it’s amazing and I admire this a lot.
    I know how you feel and I know that sometimes,it seems like you’re the ugliest person in the world,but trust me: You’re not. Most definitely not.
    It takes a long time to recover from an ED,and I know numerous people whose eating-related problems sort of “changed” during recovery: One of my intimates has first struggled with anorexia,then,afterwards,with bulimia. So you’re not alone there.
    All that matters in the end is that you keep fightng and holding on to recovery despite all the pain it brings along. I know I am by far not a great example for a successfully recovered anorexic,but I’m working on it and I believe it will be worth it in the end.
    Just don’t lose hope & faith in yourself. You can do it,I’m sure about this one. <3

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  10. You are so courageous to open up about your struggles. I am so sorry you’re going through such a rough time….but harming yourself is never the answer. Life is too precious and finite. It may make you feel better in the moment but the possibility that you could really hurt yourself or end your life is not worth it. I have had someone very close to me pass due to self harming so I know how serious it is. You are an amazing person who doesn’t deserve to feel such pain. We are all thinking about you and rooting for you! You mean a lot to us even if you don’t feel it at the moment! Stay well hun!

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  11. Jemima said:

    Buried under piles of finals revision but I had to comment, even if briefly – I admire you so much and, though I know you’ll never believe me, when I see photos of you pop up on Facebook (instagram!) I honestly think you look beautiful and I envy your utterly effortless style, your proactive attitude… I’m moving back to London this summer, as uni finishes, and will be living on my own for the first time (whooo flat! I have an internship at Women’s Health at the magazine tower, so who knows, maybe I’ll see you when we’re both smushed under someone’s armpit on the underground!) I’ve been so inspired by the way you’ve embraced the challenges of independence, the way you’ve made a life for yourself. I’m struggling with so many of the same things you are at the moment – the binge/restrict cycle is killing me (mentally) … you’re not alone.

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  12. Oh petal, I think its so great that you can be so honest about things. I really feel for you and can completely understand the difficulty when, by appearances everything looks fine and therefore no one gives you any support or thinks there’s anything wrong. I know how bad the binge and restrict cycle can be and that’s something I’ve just managed to get a hold of myself. That other girl sounds like a right cow so I can understand why you feel that way about her, you just have to remember that whatever size you are a beautiful person, she sounds like whatever her size she’d still be unpleasant. I think the most beautiful thing about this post is that despite it all you are ending it on a positive and you sound determined to not let this ruin your life. Stay strong and stay positive :-)

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  13. Nicky, I literally want to run up to you and give you a giant hug, because I feel like that is what you so desperately need right now, sometimes a hug is more than enough.
    I’m glad you are able to be honest and open with how you truly feel, because i think it opens opportunities for people to reach out to you, and make you feel like you are not alone, and i know that its so hard, because people look at you and think you are perfectly fine, and I often find that hard, because people cant fully understand or sympathize with what they cannot see. That goes with any mental health issue really, if you had a broken arm, people give you all the sympathy, because the pain is visible, but its not like that when it comes to mental health issues, which is so frustrating.
    You aren’t the only one who deals with binging, then restricting, in fact I have been through it pretty badly, so I can totally empathize with how awful you feel in regards to that, because i got to a point where I felt so sad about it, I was suicidal. Talking about it is a good thing, I found, because it made me realize how much I wanted to stop doing it, but it is a long process, just like it is to regain weight, its hard to break away from new habits you have got into.
    You can overcome this Nicky, you clearly have such strength and motivation, to even get where you have today, not many people are even able to get that far, and you are now making a life for yourself, enjoying London, and being able to experience new and exciting things. You are a wonderful person, and I know that any about of positive things I say about you, in your head you will probably dismiss, but you are, and I will always be here to help you, in any way which I can, if it means emailing things through or anything. Just don’t feel like you can’t open up, or ask for help/advice/chat.

    Jess x

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    • P.s, my link doesn’t work, I have a blogger, and it doesn’t let me comment on wordpress with it, so i used my old wordpress account.
      but my new URL is:

      glitteredfeathers.blogspot.com

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  14. Mushroomz said:

    Seeing others doing so “well” losing weight while you’re bingeing and slowly gaining weight is a terrible feeling. I feel the exact same way as you do- I start asking myself, what is wrong with me for not doing great like those thin girls are.
    I also see some very skinny girls at my school eating apples for lunch and I’m angry at them. Not because they’re starving themselves, but because they’re succeeding at something that I am no longer capable of.
    Also, after getting to a normal weight (by bingeing), the people that know about my eating disorder think I have absolutely no problems anymore. My family sees me eat a low-carb, low-fat diet and lets me get away with it and if I say I’m fasting for the day they’re completely okay with it. And all I can think is “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you letting me do this to myself?!”
    Sorry for venting on your blog. I just want to let you know that you’re definitely not the only one.

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  15. char said:

    Your honesty is actually really inspiring. Its takes so much strength to be honest, and when its something which carries so much raw emotion and is so personal, its even harder. I hope blogging helps you? I have never blooged for many reasons althought i would love to! I can completely relate to the jealousy :( Its such a difficult strong emotion, and one which never does us any favours. I have had anorexia for a very long time. For years i was in a cycle of, being tube fed,getting out, losing the weight and over and over. When i left at a healthy weight, people didnt treat me too differently- i think as they knew it wasnt my choice. However, for the first time, i have gained this weight myself. Suddenly, despite not quite being healthy yet, people assume im totally fine. They think im better. Really, im struggling so so much right now, but all poeple see is a physical size,and so “of course” i “must” be better. And thats so hard to deal with. I have a friend who is currently very very unwell with anorexia, and im sad for her,and full of emotions, but i cant help but be jealous. One of the worse things for me right now, is im not at a healthy weight yet, but peopel tell me i look great and really healthy, and today someone i know found out about my anorexia,and couldnt believe it,and was like”no, surely not”. Which makes me think… HOW can i gain to a healthy weight if people already think i llok good…surely then i will look over weight to them too. Its so hard, body image issues. You are certainly so beautiful tho- in all honesty, i think you are such a stunning girl. I keep binging, unfortunately, i also keep purging :( its become a big secret of mine. people think im fine. I gained all my weight on 1000calories. My metabolism never increased. My dieticion, told me to stick to 1000, but i kept gaining, she said it would stop,but i was nearing healthy and it still didnt stop increasing. so i feel stuck,wanting to eat like other people can, but i cant because i would gain heck loads where as they wldnt gain a pound! its so hard. Eating disorders are soul destroying. Your motivation to continue on a recovery path is so lovely to hear, and you may not feel it, but you should be proud huni. Its not unusual for poeple to go thru a whole spectrum of e.d in theyr recovery, before they find a safe middle ground. This is part of your journey, i know it doesnt feel pleasnt, and this may not help, but recovery takes all forms, and for many part of theyr recovery form anorexia means going through binging etc.Maybe see it as a fluid path that your on, not somewhere your staying at but a place you are travelling thru in order to get to your destination :)
    Youv been thru alot ,you deserve to praise yourself for the things you have overcome, this uncomfortable feeling will be another mountain you will climb, to find your comfortable place.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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