Been a while again huh? Well things have been..difficult for me recently. I’m here to do another honest post for you guys. After the feedback that I’ve got back from other ones I have done, not only do people appreciate my honesty and obviously provide an interesting insight into my world which is far from perfect, but I feel great for providing you guys with some comfort that you are not the only ones suffering with these struggles, if you can relate.
Body image issues are definitely very much on my mind pretty much every morning right from when I wake up. Most days I wonder how I got myself to this place. How did I let myself go so quickly? I get up and immediately see myself in the double wardrobe mirrors next to my bed. I look in disgust and tears fill my eyes. A part of me gets frustrated that I can’t turn back and snap my fingers back to when I was underweight. I was tiny..and could pretty much eat whatever I wanted. Which now I can’t do…which the binging part of my ED hates. I’m currently stuck in this restrict binge cycle which is definitely not a healthy one in the slightest. Not eating enough some days in frustration at my body size now and then eating until I physically can’t move on following days when my body is basically screaming at me for going back to restriction, and inevitably gaining weight. This is causing severe depression for me at the moment.
It’s actually in some ways more difficult now than when I was anorexic (I’d say my eating disorder is still there but not in the form of anorexia, probably more in the disordered eating category), because I am not physically underweight. No one assumes anything about my past and see me just as another normal girl. I have told a couple of my new closest friends that I have met here as they questioned my veganism with interest and it has definitely surprised them because of my current physical appearance and my relaxed relationship with food (I have no fear in hiding my past to people I can trust as it makes me who I am today). But in this sense, people don’t expect or see the struggles I still go through. The struggles are not visable for people to see anymore like when I was underweight and so it feels like I have to suffer alone because it’s not expected of me to suddenly come out with eating issues when it appears that I’m fine. Instead they just spin round my head all day everyday. Inside my head I wish more than anything that I could cut my body open and just change it. I may have attempted to slash my thighs too in disgust. Yes it hurt. And did it change anything? No. I don’t recommend it. But I guess as people can’t visably see my struggles anymore, this seemed like a way for at least me to see them rather than just feel them.
Top all of this off with a girl who is from my uni currently interning with me (not a friend) becoming anorexic right before my eyes…yeah, not good. A part of me is incredibly jealous. How can she be turning anorexic when I am basically becoming ‘unanorexic’ and turning overweight. Why can I not be losing weight so rapidly like that? It’s funny because it’s only me who can see the signs too. Everyone just assumes that she’s lost a bit of weight but I can see far beyond that. All the signs are there for me to see. For me to become jealous of. A part of me is sorry for her, yes. Because this illness does ruin lives. It is obviously still ruining mine. But unfortunately even before her ED, her personality is not a friendly one – lets say we’ve had a few conflicts in the past – and so that gets in the way of my sympathy towards her. She is downright rude to me for no apparent reason other than the fact that she can’t accept that I am right more often than her because I happen to be smarter and she currently can’t stand the fact that I have more authority than her. And not only is she rude to me, but also to her own boss, who dislikes her bitterly. She is stubborn and selfish. And that is not the illness..she was like this before. So, whilst I would love to help her, I feel nothing for her…except jealousy.
Then after a weekend of binging which followed a few days of restriction, I had one day where a guy approached me trying to be all ‘touchy feely’ with me right in the street. Not what I need when I feel like absolute shit from binging. To be followed by being robbed on the tube the next day. Yeah, totally what I need to top off my crappy feeling!
Today has fortunately been a really great day at work though which I will share with you tomorrow which has definitely cheered me up from the past few days. I don’t quite know what the answer is to my struggles. But what I do know is that I won’t give up on trying to get on with life and achieving some sort of ‘normality’ and I strive to reach a balance with my body whatever that may be. I won’t allow for me to continue living like this forever because you know what? It is torture. Whilst no woman is 100% happy with her body, you can reach a point where it’s acceptable and you can live your life not focusing on it everyday. In the meantime, I do try my best to focus on what I consider more important things now in my life rather than my illness; family, friends, socialising and I make sure to laugh at least once a day as I know that these things help because it means I am surrounding myself with positivity rather than drowning in my depression.
And on that note, I shall say goodnight for now