I thought I’d just drop in and say hello and that I am still alive if you are still reading? I’m sure any other uni student can appreciate that this time of year is no fun…I have been working like crazy lately and with several deadlines looming, I have been stuck inside and when the weather decides to be so beautiful?! Not fair.
However after I handed in one of my final pieces of work along with a presentation, I finally decided to enjoy a bit of the sun for a walk along the River Tyne by where I live. I sometimes forget how beautiful it is here when I get to see it all year but after working hard and being quite stressed recently, it made me see the beauty in it again.
Other than that, I have only made time for food and to have my hair done. I only go to the hairdressers once or twice a year because I don’t like them cutting my hair haha!
To be honest life recently hasn’t been so happy as it has been. I don’t deal with stress well anyway but on top of that my body image issues are really taking over again. I have gained weight recently, and although part of it is muscle building as I am suddenly becoming a lot stronger in my weight workouts which feels amazing…but I have had periods of eating too much because it makes me so hungry some days and also just lack of control I suppose. I do have a tendency to binge, and when I do it gets worse because I hate myself anyway, I just think ‘fuck it’ and carry on doing it. Which only makes the problem worse of course. So both uni and my body image have been on my mind and really quite torturing me every single day. I’ve not been getting to sleep until the early hours and then waking up at 5am for the past week just thinking negatively and I know it’s all my own doing and my own mind.
The past few days I have been getting a grip of it all though, changing the way I eat and I was restricting still in the day, just with being so busy, hence provoking night time binges (hello how many times have I told myself not to do this?!) and going back to my cardio workouts for a bit just to try and cut back and ease my mind a little. I guess what I’ve been finding particularly difficult, via Instagram in particular, is the whole image of bodybuilding and being ‘lean’. I admit, this is what I wanted to achieve now that I’ve moved away from the ‘skinny’ ideal. But you know what? It’s just another extreme. Just another body image issue for me to become obsessed with. And I cannot solve my problem areas unless I take things to the extreme which will not be healthy for me personally. Whilst I am happy that I have improved how my body looks in some ways, I cannot take it to that next level without being obsessed and I don’t think that’s a road I want to go down.
I know that the way that I live is healthy and I’ve never been so healthy in fact. I’m physically fit and eat healthy and well. Even when I feel like I ‘overeat’ it’s never on unhealthy junk food. And I know I need to accept the way that I am because I can’t be an extreme and be ‘well’ mentally. I cannot go on for the rest of my life trying to be this ‘ideal’ that I set myself up for. God, life is too short! And it’s only me torturing myself with these thoughts every.single.day. I don’t need to live like this and all that I need to be is healthy and part of that comes with enjoying life, being with friends and family and not stressing myself out all the time with body image issues because they’re not important. Well they are. But body image is massively confidence. And it is only that, that I lack.
Anyway. Enough of a rant. I am getting myself back together again and I only have two weeks left at uni, then I’m moving apartment right after that (to a bigger place so kinda exciting…after the whole moving process!) and then I have so much to share. If you follow me on Instagram you will have seen me posting so many things I’ve created and I have been mean and waited to share them on here haha. And I will! SO hopefully lots to share in the near future
Protein Garlic Bread
Toffee Apple Protein Muffins
Protein English Muffin (my fave!)
Raw Goji Almond Fudge <3
Oh and one last thing.
If you can get your hands on these, DO. And put them in the oven and bake them. Seriously, I didn’t want to believe people that these actually tasted like a real baked cookie..but they do. I am in love.
Wow that was a long post Anyways! I shall be back soon! x